the darkness

and so it starts. a despair i must face, my addictions i must face, the changes only i can make. as much to the world as to myself i write this.

the physical body has deteriorated, i must not let my spirit do so also. if my spirit does then i will cease to exist on this earth. i had a glimpse of what i am, it must change. that to postpone that change is to have my life enter oblivion, a place of no meaning, an empty void, worthlessness. i have lost myself in my addictions, my life will have been in vain if i do not accomplish control over them. they will destroy what time remains for me.

i can shuffle blame to post-polio, but i must be stronger than that. it seeks to rob me of my spirit, it seeks to have me run from reality. it affects my body, i must fight letting it affect my spirit.

a darkness in my life occurred once before, a darkness i survived. such a thing i thought could never befall me again. this darkness is different, it is one of the self, it is one that depends not on the occurrences of the outside world but of the soul, of the spirit of being itself.

there exists in everyone a purpose, how we affect the lives of those who know us. to lose this purpose to me will destroy me. it is something i have had as long as i can remember, it is the darkness i now face. alone.